I remember long hours of studying and reading my Bible as a teen and college student. Outside of Java City at Sac State, with a caramel macchiato and a bagel. I’m only 20, what are carbs? High fructose syrups don’t … Continue reading
I believe I have taken about 3 pictures to document this baby girl #2 of mine. And it happens right before bed with tired eyes and bad lighting. At this point in my pregnancy with Jane (I am now almost 25 wks along), I think I had approximately 87 pictures of my “bump”. Oh sweet, second child, I promise I love you.
While it was not our motivation in conceiving, I think I had the notion that a second child would “normalize” our lives. That God and fate would know that life must be easy for a pregnant mama. Therefore, Jane would get healthier, appointments for her would become more sparce, and I would have an unending supply of super strength and energy to get me through to D-day. And delivery would probably consist of Enya music playing in the background while a midwife brushes my forehead with golden feathers in the comfort of my spa-esque million dollar home. Hilarity.
A few weeks ago, upon finishing my 1st trimester with Baby #2, we noticed Jane’s infantile spasms multiplying from the manageable number they currently were. To add insult to injury, our already underweight Janie started sporadically, and unexplainably, throwing up her meals. We travelled to Orange County (7 hrs from us) to hear that we should either admit her unexpectedly that evening or plan on returning 4 weeks later for a long term EEG. We chose the latter. At 23 weeks pregnant I journeyed with my mom and my very cranky child back to the Children’s Hospital to see what our next step should be. I was up every 2-3 hrs due to hospital noises and maternal instinct, and had wild Braxton-Hicks most likely due to stress and the super duper comfy hospital cot they let you sleep on.
After 3 days we were sent home on an additional seizure med for Jane, and a plan to get her on a gastro-intestinal feeding tube to aid in her weight gain. A follow up EEG looms for sometime next month. Meanwhile, evaluations, a temporary nose feeding tube and minor surgery for the real deal will all hopefully happen before the holidays.
Countless appointments, thousands of miles, 4 medications for Baby #1 and approximately 16 weeks until Baby #2 is here. Sometimes you just have to laugh :)
With all that said, on top of caring for an immobile toddler with my increasing belly weight and an ornery sciatic nerve, it becomes more obvious that our journey is not so normal. I wish my biggest concern for my pregnancy was avoiding sushi and sleeping on my side. But that’s just not the case. Thankfully I have seen many a mom and dad go before us, caring for an ailing child, dealing with special needs, and still carrying a healthy subsequent child and rocking out life.
Every day is a battle of emotions, choosing trust over fear, finding rest amongst chaos, and knowing when to fight and when to let go. In hopes that a parent in a similar situation needs this one day, there’s a few things I try to make room for in preparation for this very unexpected journey.
1. Jesus. Faith. Knowing His promises. Believing that they are for me and they are real and true.
2. Thankfulness. There are so many potential worries for our future. I’m doing my best to maintain an attitude of thankfulness for what I currently have, not what could potentially go wrong.
3. Marriage. My husband and I recently started marriage counseling. We don’t want a divorce. We love each other, laugh at each others jokes and find one another very attractive :-) However, when you live an unpredictable life (think hour to hour of unpredictability), it’s important to major on what matters. And for us, that’s our marriage. It’s an honor to grow closer to him when a situation like ours may tear others apart.
4. Healthy diet. So hard. All I want is chips. And biscuits and gravy. And chow mein. And cheese fries. And a mochachinno chocolate fountain of life blast. BUT instead… I prioritize fresh food, and fresh juice, and lemon water, and organic options, and limited amounts of sugar. Not because I’m super trendy and organic (although I wouldn’t argue with you if you said I was), but because I would like to be ready in all seasons for anything. And unfortunately an animal style cheeseburger doesn’t exactly get me ready for game day. (But if you know of an organic/healthy one that does, PLEASE let me know!)
5. Yoga. I’m not a “yogi” ( I only think I know what that means), and I don’t know the proper names for poses, but I do know that during pregnancy I can’t do much of anything without some crazy nerve or muscle screaming at me for sweet mercy. I got some wild hips ya’ll, and yoga seems to do the trick. It’s relaxing (cue singing angels) (Autocorrect offered to make “angels” into “bagels” and now that’s all I want).. Oh yea yoga. It’s relaxing, builds strength, aids in mental focus and and gives you a nice stretch. Hallelujah.
6. Friendship. I didn’t intend to make this one last. I’m definitely that friend who is in need right now. So I really need friends. Being humble and expressing my needs and letting people help carry my burden and lift my spirits is healing and energizing and sometimes all you need. Staying shut up and sad is easy, but letting friends in, while it requires more work, is a much better pay off.
Please add on to this list every other thing a pregnant woman “should” be doing. Aka drinking water, getting rest, not riding Space Mountain, etc.
Heres to fighting and another leg of the journey!
The weather is cloudy so I feel released to update the world on our life. When it’s sunny, not a chance! Weird how that mentally works out. Something about this baby has been so sweet. I have yet to reveal … Continue reading
After having the opportunity to share our story through my blog and public speaking, I’ve met a lot of people, including mom’s of kids facing unique challenges, and I’m ready to come out of the mommy closet. My baby … Continue reading
Welcome back. To me that is :) Been trying to keep up and stay healthy for our little goober bug up there. Those aren’t new teeth, that’s oatmeal. This is after one of our big weekly blood draws. Trust me, her face looks nothing like this during those vein attempts. God bless every infant phlebotomist everywhere. (Yes! That’s really how you spell it!)
It’s those moments that lead me to this post. I hear being a parent is hard. Our parent life has been anything but normal, and I’m genuinely curious what that’s like. I will say that being a parent to an “extra-ordinary” baby is very, very hard. Whether it be physical disabilities, mental set backs, or even something as common as ADD or autism, being a warrior mom is no joke, and not for the faint of heart. It’s very normal for us to do everything for Jane since she cannot YET sit up on her own or feed herself. Every little task throughout our entire day requires a lot of physical, mental and emotional strength (for her and us). Seriously, sometimes I wonder how I don’t get a trophy at the end of every day! :) And there are many parents like us, including those who are now tending to their own elderly parents. It’s exhausting. Plus there’s always taxing moments like these:
They are holding a thrashing, screaming Janie down to attach EEG leads to her head. At this point in time I could either A. Crumble into a weeping ball B. Beat these people with a baseball bat C. Take pictures. These are the moments that create warrior parents.
In this lifestyle, of tedious mental strength, full schedules and unknowns, it is possible to 1. Neglect the health of your body 2. Feel run down easily
Which is why I would love to share some simple things I do and partake of to keep my body going and prepared for tough days.
*Disclaimer: This is not an all-inclusive list (ain’t nobody got time for that!), I am not a doctor, and I love cheeseburgers.
1. Water – NOT sponsored by the CA drought committee –
Simple! I know! It flushes out the bads, it enhances the goods! You need it! Your skin, organs and body LOVES it. Put it in a fun glass, add some fresh fruit. Do what you gotta do to get on that water hype! (Pretty sure it’s not hype if it traces back to the creation story) I’m not against coffee. In fact, that is one of my absolute treats (iced almond milk or raw milk latte, in case you were wondering). But I do ask that you counter that diuretic with at least twice the amount of water.
2. Eat clean or “Think Before You Eat”.
I love french bread, and In&Out, and brownies. But there is no substitute for eating “real” food. What is that? No one had to mess with it to make it consumable. This can be especially hard when life is “on the go”, or you are frequently visiting hospitals. But it is especially those instances that require the most stamina.
If you can, keep it organic. If it is poison that kills bugs, why do you want it on your food? I understand that can be a big step for some, so maybe start with sticking to purchasing only the dirty dozen organic and go from there. I often abide by this list and feel no shame for buying non organic if it’s considered part of the “clean fifteen“. I know, what language am I even speaking. Just look up those links friends :) Fresh food is magical. It actually contains nutrients that help your body, give you energy (not heartburn), and works together to fight disease! Organic/fresh food is not a fad, its the original plan. Your body will love you.
Think before you eat is one step further, or maybe just the cousin to “Eat Clean”. Stay with me! I’m not asking you to ELIMINATE sugar or fat. Why would I do that!? I’m not the devil! I am asking you to stop and think about what you are putting in your mouth. I love an example I heard from a friend who read a blog. Compelling, I know. The question when eating your food should not be “Is this good, or is this bad”. You then have automatically punished yourself for eating “bad”, when you should’ve had “good” and have entered the world of “dieting”. YUCK! The question should be “How nutritious is this for my body?” You can eat almost anything. I can inhale the highlighter marker on my desk. That doesn’t make it nutritious. The same goes for a bag of hot cheetos. Eatable? Yes. Nutritious? No. And that’s all I have to say about that.
My favorite has been lettuce wraps, or things on greens. If you can eat it on bread, you can eat it on greens. Nachos, burritos, burgers, mayonnaise-based delicacies… Above is a “turkey sandwich” wrap. Oh dear friends, YUM! Avocado, bell pepper, turkey meat, cucumber, sauerkraut. Yay! (And goats milk brie cheese on Mary’s Gone Crackers, cause I like cheese!)
3. Go outside
There’s that sassy lettuce wrap again. Why outside? Vitamin D, fresh air, fresh perspective, life, peace, hope. I’m not kidding. Sometimes you just need to breathe (Unless you live in my town right now, in which case you would just inhale pollen, in which case you should only go outside if you’re wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask). Often when Jane is FREAKING out, we just go outside. She usually calms down. Or when living “hospital life”, going outside for just a few moments resets something. Being in nature reminds us that God is creator, we are not alone, and life still exists! 4. Exercise
Move. Stretch. More than wanting a fit bod, or looking good in a bikini, you need to detox and de-stress your weary muscles. Move those bad boys outside pushing a stroller. Do some gnarly yard work (one of my fav’s). Do lunges as you walk into the bathroom. Yoga and pilates your way to a non-stiff neck. Just move. We gotta think long haul, us moms and dads, and staying strong is not for a magazine cover that you’ll never be on, it’s for the benefit of our kiddos. And spouses :-)
5. Supplement it up
If you live in America, you are most likely not receiving all the nutrients your body needs to thrive through your food. I have just a few I try to take everyday.
A. Vitamin Code Raw Prenatal (Cause I’m breastfeeding, not currently preggo) – A solid multi-vitamin
B. Apex Energetics Probiotic supplement – Good for my gut and intestines! ( I encourage you to look up the benefits of a probiotic on your own. Or ask my smart nutritionist friend Cheers to Health)
C. Fish Oil – Good for my brain, heart, and skin!
D. Magnesium powder – I drink this powder before bed in the evenings and I’m loving it. Most commonly known for bone and heart health. If you deal with stress, I’m talking to you every mother in the world!! Magnesium is great at regulating blood pressure, and helps you feel super duper chill dude …
I have a couple close friends I have on speedial AKA group text. They are part of my lifeline. Those close friends make up about 6 individuals (I say about because I have lots of great people that love me and I don’t feel like counting right now) that I update atleast once a week on our life with Jane. It keeps me sane. Reminds me I’m not alone. Helps get me out of horrible thought patterns. And simply, helps me laugh. They know when to bring me coffee, or invite me out. Or pray precious prayers for me. Community is everything. It can be hard to let others in when you are a hard working mom, or if you feel different than other moms, but it
Meditate – to spend time in quiet thought for religious purposes or relaxation – merriam webster
Take a moment to quiet your busy thoughts. Your unknowns about the future, and let go. I prefer to do this with my favorite worship music playing and giving all my thoughts to Jesus, since He seems to be the only one who can handle my drama. Many people find other ways to meditate. I like this the best.
It’s just fun to laugh. With friends, by yourself (maybe not to avoid insanity), at yourself (most definitely). When inundated with medical facilities and practices, boy oh boy do we take time to laugh! Thank you The Office and Parks and Recreation. Leslie Knope you are my spirit animal. Steve Carrell, you are the best uncle I ever had.
Here’s what Google says about laughing:
- Laughing lowers blood pressure. People who lower their blood pressure, even those who start at normal levels, will reduce their risk of strokes and heart attacks. …
- Reduces stress hormone levels. …
- Fun ab workout. …
- Improves cardiac health. …
- Boosts T cells. …
- Triggers the release of endorphins…
- Produces a general sense of well-being.
Be with your honey. If you are a single parent, first of all BRAVO, and second, treat yourself, or make sure your friends do so! Or have your friends read this and they will get the clue! Invest in that love of your life. The one battling alongside of you. The one carrying as much stress as you are. Go eat tacos or file mignon. Or just curl up with some chips and guac and watch Chris Pratt be Burt Macklin again. Love you babe (Rich, not Burt Macklin).
I know, that’s kind of like the opposite of what we’re going for right? Isn’t that all we do as parents? I guess the point would be to look outside your situation. Come up for a little air and realize your little world is not the only little world. Give money away (Ronald McDonald Foundation, Vacaville Storehouse, Three Strands). Buy another mom a coffee, drop off some flowers at her door. Give when it doesn’t make sense and watch how fulfilling it might be for you!
Proverbs 11:25 The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.
Our friends Kate & Paisley & baby Ewing who we had the chance to meet at eat waffles with at our last visit to the Orange County Children’s Hospital. A warrior mom and dad who have faced grueling challenges with little Miss Paisley and are givers to the core!
Hope you feel refreshed this week wherever you are in your parenthood journey. Go team!
I am so thrilled to be home from a week long adventure to the Children’s Hospital of Orange County. As you read in my last post, we fought hard to get there and it was worth every step! The evaluation and treatment for Jane was well executed with no time wasted, and our hearts connected with some very fine nurses and doctors.
An immediate 5 day EEG told us a lot about Jane’s seizure types, which led to a fantastic drug that has our girl in new spirits. Her demeanor is less cranky and irritable and we watched her go from 10-15 seizures a day when we first arrived, down to only 3 that the EEG picked up. A well deserved break for our little girl. We are so thankful for this discovery and pray that it remains successful and causes no harmful side effects to her blood and liver counts, which we will be checking once a week for the next 6 weeks, and intermittently for the next 6 months. This medication change has been a huge victory!
Jane also provided them with urine, blood and spinal fluid for metabolic and genetic testing, to rule out any inborn or underlying issues that may be contributing to her seizures. Those results will take weeks to return.
The last step of our stay included a very necessary MRI since Jane had not received one since her first week of life. We knew this was a mandatory step but we did not realize this MRI would give us some much needed answers as to what our Jane has been dealing with. Note, I said answers we needed, not exactly answers we wanted.
I should mention that my mom and I intended on being in Orange County tentatively on our own. Rich would only join us if the stay was extended for a lengthy amount of time. But since he’s the best in the whole wide world he surprised us 6 days in and spent the last 3 days of the stay with us. So when our MRI results were presented, he was there.
Our very smart, trustworthy, firecracker of an epileptologist came in with her team and told us some things we knew and some things we didn’t. The MRI, at this point in time, did not look good. Janie’s brain muscles have suffered great atrophy considering all the seizures she’s endured for the last 7 months of her life. Small infantile spasms had developed into full blown tonic seizures (full body stiffening) and it has taken a toll.
What she explained next is difficult to write, but I know it is only ammo for us all to keep fighting for her. We were told the back part of Jane’s brain is significantly damaged. This is the part of her brain that processes vision. Jane’s optic nerves are well in tact but her brain cannot see well what her eyes are looking at. The epileptologist mentioned the words “clinically blind”. Although, since she is only 1 yrs old, we do not know the extent of what she can and cannot see.
We were told that Jane will be cognitively challenged. We were told she will need special education to get her into and through school. We were told complex thought and analytic thinking will be very difficult for her , to what extent we cannot know.
We were also told that this year is critical and if Jane is not sitting up on her own or walking by age 2, it is unlikely she will ever walk.
We were told to add speech and physical therapy on top of her pre-existing occupational, developmental and vision home therapy visits.
We will have a “long term” relationship with our neurologist as they do not expect her seizure activity to ever go away. We will start by one of many follow up appointments in 6 weeks in OC. (Could be worse. Can anybody say “DISNEYLAND”!?)
Those were the things we were told about our daughter yesterday, on our 3 yr wedding anniversary. But please realize that those are facts, and they are not necessarily truths. These were things that were told to us, not things that are written in stone.
Our hearts are very heavy for our little girl. We don’t know what her future looks like but we have great hope. Great hope that God absolutely does miracles and He will absolutely use Jane’s powerful little life for a purpose we may never know until heaven. We have great hope that these are not impossible obstacles but challenges to be beat and conquered. We are disappointed by not destroyed.
Please understand that we will cry, be saddened and grieved, but our vocabulary will always be one of faith and hope. Not because we are faking it, but because we absolutely believe in it, and it is the only way.
Thank you for always praying for Jane. Stand with us as we watch her plow through her challenges victory by victory. And when she is walking, talking, thinking and playing we can all stand back knowing we were the ones that kept hoping for her, and standing in faith for her life.
Moments of Victory:
Jane’s seizure medication is supposed to make her very restless and unable to fall asleep on her own. In the hospital she was given melatonin to help her rest. Its been 2 days now of full naps and sleeping at night without any aid. She is taking a deep nap as we speak :)
For 2015 we have been generously supported by a dear couple enabling me to not work and stay home with Jane. This past week before Rich came to see us, he informed me that due to some changing circumstances I would be able to continue not working after the year is over. God had lifted that burden of finances before we even had to ask.
Isaiah 65:24 While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!
Jane has only eaten her food in a reclined pink bouncy chair (as seen in most of my pictures of her) for her whole life. Sitting up in a Bumbo or on my lap would illicit lots of drooling and hunching, making it almost impossible for her to eat that way. This morning I sat her in a full blown Ikea high chair and fed her her breakfast with minimal drooling and no tears. I woke Rich up by telling him, “She’s in a high chair babe… and she’s eating”
More to come <3
I’ve never been much of a fighter. I can get heated over some issues, but I don’t care for confrontation. I’d much rather relax and drink lattes and forget our differences. Since Jane, I’ve had no choice.
We’ve watched our daughter lose physical capabilities, as well as mental function, as seizures daily attack her body. She has now failed two medications (Or rather, they have failed us), which in laymen’s terms means there’s only a 10% chance that medication will ever work for her.
Something has to be done.
Last month, I encountered a divine connection through many mutual friends with a lady who will remain nameless for now since I don’t have her permission to blast her business. We’ll call her Katrina. A Russian ski instructor who moved here with her husband who took an analyst job in Silicon valley, but they live in Vacaville. (This whole story is made up for your reading pleasure). At any rate, Katrina’s daughter experienced epilepsy and is now 3 yrs old and on the turn around. Her healing came through care and treatment given by the Children’s Hospital of Orange County. After about a 5 min phone conversation with Katrina it became obvious to me that this was the next step for our Jane. What was not obvious is that this was going to require a fight.
For 3 weeks we worked daily to convince our hospital and every tier of medical staff thereof that they should refer Jane to CHOC, which happens to be a level 4 pediatric epilepsy center (Aka: It’s really really good at seizure treatment!) We were denied this request, for various reasons, a total of 4 times in 3 weeks.
*Cue my Life Time movie trailer* . “The powerful drama based on true events, of a family fighting for the thing most precious to them. In the face of opposition, the relentless uphill battle is proof that there is nothing that can stand between a mother and her helpless child, no matter how high the cost!”
But really, this helped me. So many actresses have fought for their child. Like Angelina Jolie in that movie the Changeling. I never saw it, but pretty sure she played an intense mom in that movie. And imagining myself as Angelina helped me press through.
Everyday was a new reason for declination, a new person to talk to that needed to talk to another new person who would talk to another new person who may find our reasons for referral legitimate, possibly. After almost a month of this we were tired, discouraged and seeking the next best option since our first choice was seemingly not going happen. Just then, the phone rang.
No seriously, like RIGHT then. “Hello Mrs. Harris, I have good news”
No sweeter words. We had been approved for a referral to the Children’s Hospital of Orange County.
This was and is a HUGE victory for us! And we are so excited to get on this track to healing. But the truth is, our battle is not about a hospital, or a doctor, or a referral. The battle is about continually advocating and fighting for our daughter. If it wasn’t this, it would be against the weird preschool teacher or the rude kid on the playground, common core math, or the over competitive dance coach. It’s all training to fight. It’s all little pieces in our own personal Life Time movie.
Our journey has really just begun all over again. We hope to get in to an appointment for brain monitoring, diagnosis and treatment options for Jane. This could take days, weeks, or months.I hope that in the meantime, as we keep fighting, that any parent who finds this blog, who’s child is sick, who needs a boost, will know that they are not alone and they should never give up.
We don’t know what our next fight will look like, but as far as I can project it looks like it may get more intense before it gets easier. But we can do this because we are not alone. Saints and angels are rooting us on. And between the tears there are friends to laugh with and hold your arms up. And for every defeat there are little victories. And for even just a moment, we can breathe in deep rest and satisfaction. Knowing that we fought, and we won this one. But it’s time to gear up because it’s not over. And fighting for what’s best for Jane will never be over.
A short while back we talked about how to maintain your friendships after having children. It was a popular one. Girls like to talk about relationships. Another theme that seems to circulate around the web regarding post mommy hood is that of kidless friends and how they just don’t quite understand what us mommy’s go through. Some of these posts and videos that I’ve seen are for sure hilarious to watch and read, but as I’ve navigated my own transition from kid free zone to mommy-hood, I’ve found nothing but the most selfless souls in all my friends without offspring. So kidless friends, this one’s for you.
To my friends with no children,
Thank you for still being my friend.
Let’s be honest, I have done absolutely nothing for you in the past year and a half. I’m talkin’ no birthday gifts, no coffee drive bys, no spontaneous pedicure trips, nothin’. And yet, you are still my friend.
Thank you for dropping off coffee to me in the middle of the day and pretending to care about how tired I am. You do a really good job. Thank you for listening as I talk about teething habits and food transitions and how “we” just tried spinach for the first time and how “we” are having explosive green poops in “our” diaper now. You listen so intently, almost like you actually care, and I love you for it.
Thanks for holding my snotty kid as I use the bathroom “real quick”. For we all know that unless it’s YOUR child, no snotty kid is adorable, or clean.
Thanks for talking like an old librarian whenever you come over, so as to not wake my precious lovebug. You make indoor voices seem like it’s the only way you ever wish to talk again. You’re so good at it. You make whispering cool.
And thanks for still confiding in me, the sweetest details of your life, when most of the time, I’m not listening. I’m really, really trying to. But, I’m most likely not.
And when you’re over at an hour that is past baby angel’s bedtime, thanks for acting like you don’t hear anything as my child violently screams the scream of a thousand screams. Your selective hearing means so much to me.
Thanks for learning how to use my Britax stroller and carseat. Eight months ago you though Britax was a new face cleaner, but now, now you know.
And thanks for still inviting me places, even though you know that the chances are slim, and even if I do show up, it will be with a little being drenched in slobber attached to my hip, and the chances of getting bowel excretions on your belongings is very, very, high.
All to say, I love you, I appreciate you, and when you someday have kids of your own, I probably won’t do the same for you, but you will understand.
Your Mom Friend
I’ll never forget the disdain on the MD’s face in the ER.
“When was the last time she peed? Has she recently experienced any head trauma? How much did she weigh at birth? Did you have a natural birth or C section?”
I tried to gather my emotions and mental stability in order to answer all these questions, yet they seemed to lead to no resolve. Until she asked me “Did she ever get the flu shot?”
“No”, I answered.
“Ooohhh…….Well you may reconsider now huh?”
You see, we had brought Jane in to her newborn appointment after having a quick, natural birth 3 days prior. Jane was not interested in eating and getting more and more lethargic. I planned on meeting with a lactation nurse and addressing this issue at the appointment. I did not foresee the trauma that was actually at hand. When we arrived for our appointment it became apparent that Jane’s temperature was dropping, along with her heartrate, blood pressure and respiratory rate.
A very kind, sweet nurse who I will remember forever dealt with our emergency in the most calm/hasty fashion I had ever seen. Jane was immediately rushed to emergency. Upon arrival it was quickly discovered that her blood sugar had crashed and this was the cause of her lethargy and some ongoing seizures, although it was unknown why.
Nurses held our hand, social/care staff made sure we were hydrated, fed and supported. And actually all MD’s involved were patient and understanding of our trauma.
Then there was Flu Lady.
I had decided not to take any vaccinations during my pregnancy. And wanted to take our time researching, praying and figuring out what was best for Jane’s vaccinations schedule. But Flu Lady led me to believe that my newborn was blue, sick and dying due to my ignorant choice of not administering the flu shot.
1 point for the Crunchy Team.
Then there was Natural Nancy. Natural Nancy was a medical professional of the opposite sphere. She heard of Jane’s story months after we had been discharged from the ICU. “Finally, this is someone who will empathize with me.. Who will really have some insight and answers”, I thought. I politely gave Natural Nancy a play by play of our traumatic ER experience. How some of the finest specialists took 1 month to discover Jane’s underlying cause of sickness. I eagerly replayed the events just knowing she would have something thoughtful to say, or have a great direction to suggest.
She answered, “Ooohh…. Is it because you vaccinated her?”
1 point for the Conventionalists
Mommy’s, the best thing I can say to you was already said by Tina Fey in the movie Mean Girls, “There’s been some girl on girl crime here”.
Jane had not been vaccinated. One camp blamed me for not doing it and the other blamed me for thinking I had done it. As a new mom, you can imagine the feeling of just simply not belonging.
This should not be.
HERE’S MY GIGANTIC DISCLAIMER BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER:
I consider myself a “crunchy” mom. I eat organic. Some of the greatest people I know strictly abide by natural practices. I believe in whole body healing. I do not think medicine or vaccinations are a cure all. I believe you need to honor what you put in your body and how you treat your body. I believe health is a gift. I believe you need to be wise and limit sugar and processed ingredients. You should try essential oils. Go outside and hike. Don’t use Splenda. Try not to put parabens on your face and scalp. I believe God has given us all we need and His way is best.
I eat Hot Cheetos ( And I won’t stop ). I have tried to use essential oils to control my daughter’s seizures and they have not worked. But her medication has. My daughter could not go outside for 1 month after birth and did not have my immune boosting breast milk for 3 weeks, so yes, she received some vaccinations. I would love to be her doctor and provide everything she needs, but in the instance of her initial emergency, I could not help. MD’s, IV’s and ongoing medication saved my daughter’s life.
And the truth is, I carried trauma from a perfectly healthy natural birth all because I was induced (due to high blood pressure). Trauma that I believe would not exist if I was a part of a different “camp”. You know, the one that schedules C-sections to better accommodate their pre-existing Italy trips? (Please see my post on judging others, of which I am a criminal offender right now). I imagined taking a hike and birthing my child on a mountain, and read lots of books about how if that wasn’t how it happened then I was interfering with mother nature. (Okay not exactly, but you catch my drift).
I wept in devastation when they told me my daughter may have a very rare disease called galactosemia, in which she could not take my breastmilk. I imagined all the other mommy’s glaring at me while I fed my baby thick white liquid out of a bottle while they sat underneath paisley printed breast feeding covers. (By the way, she did NOT end up having that unfortunate disease and she IS breastfed. To find out how I went from ZILCH to exclusively breastfeeding, please ask!! And I may just post about it!)
If I forced myself to choose a side, I will never win. My daughter will not get ALL she needs. And I will inevitably be lacking something.
AND MY FREEDOM MESSAGE FOR ALL TO HEAR IS:
You do not have to choose.
Phew. Everyone go enjoy a Pepsi while you rub essential oils on your feet. (And seriously, take it easy on the Pepsi, it’s pretty gnarly no matter which side you’re enjoying it from).
I have found that there is only one way to live when it comes to navigating the crunchy vs conventional medical world and its moment by moment. Hour by hour. Sometimes minute by minute.
Some days you need to say no to chocolate cake and yes to a big ol’ spoonful of garlic and apple cider vinegar. Other days, you need to enjoy a day in the city and eat some funnel cake from a hipster food truck.
One moment all you need is coconut oil for your little one’s ailment. The next you may need a doctor’s advice or help that only an emergency department can give.
My point is to simmer down everyone.
Embrace your moment, and follow your gut.
Fear no man.
Be patient. With yourself. And with others.
Say goodbye to guilt.
Crunchy or conventional, you do you!
I will forever be grateful for Flu Lady and Natural Nancy for teaching me that only I know what’s best for my baby. And guilt helps no one, even when it’s self induced. For helping me live in freedom of expectations and thriving in a place where I trust my gut, know my baby, and live with heavenly wisdom, even if it comes in the form of MD’s or Naturalists. And I dream of a world where Crunchies and Conventionalists live in harmony, exchange their unique gifts and findings and laugh about life over a big bowl of organic hot Cheetos, for if that is not harmony and the perfect unification of camps, I don’t know what is.
It has been a rough couple weeks friends, and I am so happy to post something refreshing and fun. As our battle for Jane’s health continues, I long for a serene getaway and I have learned to take solace in the smallest of things. An unexpected latte, a moment alone, a talk with a friend, a cool summer night, her first high five (yes!!), how she said “Charlie” out of nowhere for the first time the other morning (no, I don’t know a “Charlie” and I’m not sure who he is but I’d like to know why my daughter knows his name), her first pony tail, and the small details of our home.
With so many things out of our control, it’s nice to have a space that is entirely up to our say. A place to rock her, make her feel comfortable, in routine, peaceful and happy. While it is far from finished, I want to share a little bit of our sweet “Jane space” with you.
I am far from a Pinterest mom, but I do my best ;-) I wish so hard I could handle grey walls with matching neutral upholstery and meaningless Ikea furniture, but I just can’t. I thrive on messy, eclectic and personal. And don’t forget, inexpensive! Everything below shows my attempts at just that. Get ready for an overload of sentiment and meaning and cutesie things!
1. Jane’s crib was a hand-me-down from my nieces. Pottery Barn FREEBIE for the win!
2. The banner above Jane’s crib was made for my baby shower and it lives on :)
3. The frame below the banner was found at a garage sale by my mom. I framed one of our very favorite verses for this season of our lives in it and hung a peacock feather that someone gave us from our wedding. I’m so personal and sentimental right now!
4. The rocking chair was my great grandpas. ( I know, you can’t even handle me right now). The faux fur throw is Ikea $9.99! And the white pillow was specifically picked out by my mom if we had a girl. Spoiler alert, we did :) Rich and I picked out a mustache pillow for if it was a boy. The mustache pillow lives on in our living room.
How bout that thumb tack huh!?
This pillow is the pillow of a princess. Also great lumbar support.
The window wall of Jane’s room is my second favorite view. With the windows open during the day you can smell gardenia’s blowing in from the plant right outside her window (A gardenia bush, one of my mom’s favorite scents. Jane is named after her, “Jane Margaret”). Too much precious, I know. It’s also another wall with more space for me to show off my sentimental values :)
1. This is a picture I made for Jane the day we found out we were having a little lady. Her name was a secret but anyone who saw the initial pre-birth took their guesses :) The snow white tin was mine (or maybe my sister’s? Well it’s mine now!) growing up. The bird was in my parent’s house and actually used as decor in my friend’s wedding. I’m unstoppable!!
1. Both the air plant and stitched “J” are gifts from my dear friend who lives on the E.Coast. She hasn’t met Jane yet but they are both tiny and fierce and have overcome a lot and continue to do so. Christina, this is my tribute to you. <3
The bedtime corner. A fru fru lamp. Another “pre-girl” purchase (meaning you keep the receipt in case it’s a dude baby). And our little reminder that Jane means “God has been gracious”.
I used to not like this wall with Jane’s changing table/ dresser as much as the others but now I do. It was the “catch all” station. But after hanging these ADORABLE garage sale little girl pictures it added just the thing for me to take pride in this space. I’ve asked for it’s forgiveness and promised to never abuse it again. Jane has thick wavy hair. My husband loves dogs. It was meant to be.
Hidden high above the world is this little detail. A koala given to Jane by a small friend, who happens to be the daughter of fellow Eco Chic Diaries blogger, Julie Hamilton. She’s a quirky one and little does she know I actually am in love with this little guy.
My advice for your space? Keep it fun. Don’t decorate like a grown up. Make it meaningful, don’t play by rules. Love your space.
And now for the gag reel:
That’s real life people!!